Closing this chapter

With this being December, and what would have been our 10 year mark in our first home, I must finally close this chapter in our life. This has been so hard for me to overcome. I've spent a lot of time on my own, without Dan, trying to deal with these emotions about the last 7 months of our lives. It seemed like such an easy thing to do, almost exciting to FINALLY pack up and get out of California like we had talked and planned about for so many years. But I've concluded that it would have been so much easier had it gone another way. While the human in me is terribly broken hearted, my faith always kicks in and brings comfort and understanding to the events that led to this. And I know for a fact that we weren't the only ones that the economy effected, but I know that a very gracious Heavenly Father knew what was best for us. If by chance I've lost you already while reading this, that's ok, this is more for my mental health and I really want to journal my feelings about our experiences.

The last few weeks the kids have been asking to go 'Home'. I'll admit, I had a break down and cried to Dan over the phone how I myself wanted to go 'Home'. But the truth is, home as we know it isn't there anymore. And I know for a fact I only want to go home to my house, the place of our security and comfort and spacious BIG house! With the holidays quickly approaching, I can sense that the kids are longing for that comfort as well, along with our normal holiday/family traditions of living in our home. There won't be any hanging Christmas lights, the ones that Kyle would help Dan with each year, and how he dreaded getting up on that ladder, but he did it for us because he knew we enjoyed the lights. The *new* kitchen we just re-did (and spent many hours on) won't get to be broken in by all of my holiday baking! The Christmas tree that we had won't even go up this year because in our panic to purge, we purged it thinking we would buy a new one and low and behold there isn't a Sams or Costco closer that 2-4 hours! And I won't be able to enjoy seeing our tree set up in the living room surrounded by the new floors we had just put in. Lastly, the stockings have no place to hang as we don't have a fireplace to hang them from (good thing the kids are older). The scrapbook room won't be hostage to all the gifts, and all the wrapping...and the MESS!

And so, we move forward. Starting new traditions in our temporary residence. Awaiting next Friday when Daddy will come home for good and we can be a complete family again. And by the end of the month, the house will be final and a new family will take residence in the place we once called our 'safe haven' from the world. I hope they will enjoy the hard work we put into making it our own, and hopefully they can make new memories of their own. Nine years of much hard work, dedicated work by my sweet husband who labored with his own hands to make it nice for all of us. For Dan, he tries not to think about it, because for him it was done the day he walked out the door and headed for Kansas. I was lucky enough to stay behind to finalize the entire move, and say most of the good-byes. Then we go back to the faith, the one thing we held on so tightly to all those months. Knowing without a doubt that Heavenly Father would bless us and give direction to what it was we were supposed to do. We feel so blessed to be able to be on this adventure, yes without all the security of having a final place at this time to put all of our belongings. The fact is, we are all here, safe, and healthy...Good memories can take place anywhere. And while living in an apartment isn't a dream for us now, we have been able to joke about paying so little for rent!

I'm so grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves. For a stable career, and a steady income. And mostly, for a wonderful husband that continues down the road despite the bumps that come his way. He is my rock. While he might not always say the things I want to hear, he almost always says the things that bring the most comfort to me, and hey, we are in this together!

I'll close with one final thing. A document I found on my desk top. I was so consumed with my own sad feelings that I had almost neglected to notice the kids so to speak, mourn also. This is a paper that Lyndsie wrote for school, and when I found it I just broke down and cried. It is so special to me, a keepsake that will be placed in our 'HOME' album.

Lyndsie Duitsman
October 13, 2008
Descriptive paragraph
Mrs. Ransom

California

I can still picture the day when everything was officially packed.
The change in moods, the emotions it was all there. I felt as if I was
standing on the shoreline when it was raining. It was empty and lifeless.
When it came to the last few moments of being here, that’s when it all hit
me. I would never step foot inside the only home I have ever known. I
began to walk towards my bedroom. It was dull and plain. No sign of
anyone living there, just the dark purple paint on the walls. All my
memories in this room hit my mind like a tornado. All I could do is cry.
The feeling was overwhelming. I walked towards the window, shut the
shutters and walked out shutting the door slowly behind me taking in a
final glance. I walked down the stairs. I could feel the fresh carpet sinking
in the cracks of my toes. I hit the cold hardwood floor of the kitchen. I
walked out the door into the dry California heat, and got in the car. As
much as I felt as if it was the end, it was only the start of a new
beginning.